Anca made it home safely after over 24 hours of travel. Merry Christmas, kid! Fearless Leader Flo got her way, and terminated the student. No rule violation, just ‘a pain in the ass.’ Flo didn’t like the girl, and made it personal. The second host family didn’t work out, and Anca had a few other homes lined up, including with the family of the student in her Fesland home. Flo believes Anca is just a bad kid, and a new family won’t make a difference. Maybe yes, maybe no. Give the girl a chance. Anca has changed a lot in the last 4 months.
Flo didn’t talk to hardly anyone about her plan this time. She flat out didn’t return calls or emails. I got into a fight with her about it, she said she didn’t ‘appreciate my interference.’ Husband tried to talk sense into her, but she didn’t care. In almost 20 years of exchange, I have NEVER seen an adult go after a child like that. Flo acted as neighbor-didn’t believe the student at all, behaved as counselor, country specialist, and head of our program.
Beside the injustice, we have two practical problems.
1-We have a student in Anca’s home. If I was Anca’s parents, or the country specialist, the other student would be on a plane home immediately. Retaliation isn’t right, and it’s not a situation we see often, but it’s not unheard of. I warned our student to be a perfect exchange student. It wouldn’t take much to cook up a flimsy excuse to terminate her.
2-We have two students who want to go to Anca’s country next year. What do you think the chances are they’ll wish to continue exchanging with us?
Fearless leader Flo screwed Anca, the program, our credibility, and future students with this selfish stunt. Hope she’s pleased with herself. Judge, Jury, Executioner, Asshole.
Recap: Arrogant student Anca, poorly prepared first time host family, no counselor, no country specialist, and conflict with next door neighbor running our program.
Problems started immediately. There wasn’t anyone to mediate or advocate for Anca. We stress to host parents to tell someone so we can help the family. We want to prevent small issues from growing into large problems. Very soon, Anca was labelled a problem student. Our fearless leader, Flo, was much more concerned about the next door neighbors and her relationship with her. The neighbors were ‘wonderful’ people, it must be the student’s fault.
Anca was always sweet and respectful to me. I called her on rude behavior towards others a few times, and she stopped. If that girl had stayed with me for a week, she would still be here. No one told her what was appropriate behavior here in Appalachia.
Flo wanted to send Anca home. She was planning on sending the girl home quietly without anyone else knowing until the girl was in the air. Good thing Anca came with a wifi equipped laptop. She sent out an SOS. We called Flo asking what’s going on. Was she pissed! When a student is terminated, we have a group meeting to discuss the student. The members are the President (Flo), VP (not notified), Inbound student coordinator (a minion), Outbound student coordinator(didn’t have one), the student’s local counselor (didn’t have one, just Flo), and the country specialist (didn’t have one, Flo handled that as well.)
Once we found out about the plot to terminate Anca, we started making phone calls. Flo backed down, and found a second host family. All during this time, Anca broke no rules, the worst anyone could say was ‘rude and disrespectful.’ Hell, we could ship them all home for being rude and disrespectful.
That mess was mid-October. More tomorrow.
Remember this from a few months ago? A few people tried to terminate a student secretly. Thank dog we were able to stop it. They did it. The kid is gone.
Background-”Anca” arrived in August. Typical European, sniffs that everything is better in Europe, and her county is the best in the world. We host students like Anca fairly often.
Step 1-We can only stand that for a week before we want to explode or kill the kid. We can’t kill the kid; too much paperwork.
Step 2-So, we start showing the similarities between Feslandia and America. Yes, the lettuce is fresh, we picked it this morning. Yes, it’s organic, we try to eat healthy. Yes, we recycle. Yes, we can find you cheese and bread that will be acceptable to you.
Step 3-We then go to “Why are you here if everything at home is so much better?
Step 4-Tell FES to knock it off, she’s being rude.
Step 5-Tell FES if she can’t adjust, she’s going home.
Step 6-FES discovers the joys of Abercrombie, Oreos, chicken nuggets, and milkshakes. Student joins us on the dark side.
Anyone who has hosted a French student knows the French sniff and lower lip jut while the face turns up and away. French students believe they come from the best country on earth. They and the US are about the only countries who KNOW this is true. We have to gently remind the special snowflakes they chose to come to America, and they have to adapt to us. Then we remind them bluntly. Most students and host parents understand this is part of the process. Certainly, all volunteers have to know, and they should assist the student and family.
Anca was placed with a first time host family with minimal training. Anca didn’t have a counselor, or country specialist to help her or the family. They were just thrown together. Problems started almost immediately. Duh. Anca’s next door neighbor lady runs our program. How many problems do you see with this situation?
Filed under: Culture, Exchange Program, Exchange Students, Inbounds Inbounds | Tags: angry, Termination
”I’m sending you home tomorrow.” Because I don’t like FES, and I’m the adult. It happens. My last post was about avoiding early termination. I’m still thinking about it.
I wrote about my nasty neighbor last Summer. She was an Area Rep for an exchange program. No other volunteers lived in a 50-60 mile radius, so she was the only contact her students had. She was the FES counselor, and sometime host parent. She had the power to send students home early. I’ve heard stories about some of her students early returns. I believe some of her students were unfairly terminated.
Could it happen in my program? Possibly, if no one knew about it. I think it probably was much easier to wrongfully terminate a student before the internet and cell phones. With texting, Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, and online chatting, students can notify their parents, friends, and other adults immediately.
How could it happen? Let’s pretend. I live in a small town. I know most people in town. I want people to patronize my business. My wife’s church contacts are very important to her, she doesn’t want her reputation questioned. My kids go to school with the host family’s children. My husband’s boss is the host-mom. The hostfamily lives across the street, and I want to keep the peace in the neighborhood.
Next, assuming there are legitimate problems between the student and host family, the logical step would be to move the student. But the host family is very prominent in our small town. Maybe I have a huge ego. The student is a reflection of us. We convince ourselvesdetermine the student is at fault, and she needs to go home. We don’t want to move the student somewhere else in town. Oh no, what would people think? What if the student lied about living with us? We tried everything. The student could be moved to a different town, but that doesn’t validate our feelings.
We KNOW FES is a bad student. No one should question me. I’m the adult in charge. If I move quickly, I can have a kid out of the country within 24 hours. All I need is her passport and airline tickets. I also have to notify someone in her program overseas and the parents. I can do it on the way to the airport if I’m really being a bitch. It’s easy enough to bully a scared teen into packing.
How can we prevent this travesty? Our program has always had a committee to discuss possible early terminations. The committee is the President, VP, the country specialist, the inbound student chairman, and the student’s counselor. The committee speaks to the host-family, student, school, and the Feslandia counselor. At the end of fact-finding, we vote. If the vote isn’t unanimous, the student stays.
This procedure wasn’t followed in two early termination discussions in my program. One student stayed, and the other was railroaded sent home. Take us by surprise once, but never again. I’ve taken kids to my town that other counselors believed were hopeless. The kids all flourished. People need to listen to the students, and remember the students are young, emotional, stressed, scared, and have language and cultural barriers.
ETA: If someone really wants to ship FES home, and no one else agrees, it’s best to move the student to a different town. The adult may just be waiting for the student to ‘screw up,’ so he can be terminated. Added bonus? The adult was right about that horrible exchange student.
Filed under: Culture, Exchange Program, Exchange Students, hosting | Tags: Termination
When students are sent home early, I hope it’s for cause. Because some students are terminated for ‘being a pain in the ass.’
Who is a PIA? It’s the kid who is rude, whiny, bitchy, lazy, sarcastic, or passive aggressive. It’s the girl who won’t get off the computer, or the boy who won’t get out of bed in the morning for school. It’s the girl who doesn’t believe in God, or the boy who doesn’t enjoy sports. It’s the student who doesn’t fit in with the host family. It’s the student who doesn’t make friends fast enough, who isn’t assimilating. (I hate that accusation the most. Leave the kid alone. Not everyone is an extrovert.)
PIAs are terminated because an adult either gave up or made it personal. Send-home offenses are usually drinking, driving, drugs, arrest, pregnancy, and physically harming someone. Everyone is a pain in the ass at some point. (I keep writing ‘pain in the ass’ because that’s what we call them.) It’s the kid that the family doesn’t like. Most times, the family is a first-time host family and hasn’t been trained in cultural differences. Maybe the student dared to stand up for herself when unfairly treated. The counselor believes the family, without questioning the student for her side. The counselor just wants the problem to go away. That’s when the counselor decides the kid is “a bad kid,” “not ready for exchange,” “won’t try,” or “doesn’t want to be here.” The counselor’s pride becomes involved. The family and counselor try to convince everyone the student is bad, and needs to go home. That they’ve tried ‘everything,’ and the student is hopeless. Most times, if the student is moved, she’ll go on to have a fantastic year.
Husband and I believe that if we sent kids home for being PIAs, we wouldn’t have a program. PIAs don’t violate any rules, but they make people angry. I’ve only supported one student’s termination for being a pain. FES was shipped home from Europe for going through eight families before Christmas. FES didn’t break any rules, but just annoyed people to death. I wouldn’t have sent the student abroad.
If you are a student reading this, and you are threatened with early termination for no clear rule violation, tell everyone. Call your parents, and tell other sympathetic adults-perhaps a teacher or coach. Keep your passport with you, so your counselor can’t take you to the airport before anyone else knows what’s going on. Offer to get out of the house immediately, stay with a friend. Ask a friend’s family for help. Maybe you can temporarily stay with them. The parents can also call your counselor to advocate for you.
Filed under: Depression, Exchange Students, Outbounds Outbounds | Tags: country, Termination, withdrawal
Students should know as much as possible about their new country. We’ve had students go to India and be surprised to eat with their hands, and see poor people. Do your homework. If you’re going to Taiwan, you should know they study, study, study all the time, and as a result have immature social skills. Going to Australia doesn’t guarantee you’ll be living near the beach working on your tan all year. You could be on a sheep ranch in the middle of nowhere. If you’re a vegetarian, Argentina may not be the best place for you.
Do your own homework. Don’t go to Fesland because someone else liked it. What are your goals, hopes, likes, dislikes? What do you want out of this year? I interviewed a girl who wanted Australia and nowhere else. As we got into the interview, her personality didn’t jibe with “Australia” to the interviewers. She was conservative, religious, serious, wanted to learn a language, didn’t like the beach, and didn’t want a ‘blow-off’ year. Her reason for wanting Australia? She watched ‘The Borrowers Down Under’ at age 12, and always wanted to go. A cartoon influenced her. We talked to her, gave her time to think, and sent her to Austria. She loved it, and it was the right choice. She wouldn’t have lasted a month in Australia.
Parents should watch what they say. We’ve had too many kids come home early because their parents missed them. Personally, I think it’s selfish of the parents. Kids will call home to vent about their new family, school, homesickness, language issues, etc. It’s the parents job to listen, offer support, and suggestions. Help them learn how to help themselves. Please don’t tell FES he can come home if it’s too hard. I know it’s killing you, but remind FES this is what he wanted, it’s only for 9-12 months and he can do it. I can’t tell you how many panicked parent phone calls I’ve received over the years only to call FES and they’re fine. The kids are bewildered until they realize they just tell their parents the bad stuff. It’s common for the parents and me to have different stories from the kids.
Listen to the exchange volunteers. We know. If I tell you Feslandia has no support, and you’ll be on your own, don’t whine that no one is there to help you. I tried to talk you out of it, but you insisted you were 18, very independent, and fought to go there. If I tell you Fesica is sexist, don’t whine when people pinch your butt and treat you like a toy. If I tell you Fesway is homogeneous, and you will stand out because you’re blonde or black, don’t complain because people stare at you all the time. If you have SAD or depression, know that Northern Europe may make your symptoms worse. If you’re a free spirit, but insist on going to Japan, don’t complain about all the rules.
Be honest. I’m not being nosy, I’m trying to help. Tell me if you have medical restrictions. We’ll work with you. Depression is fairly common, it doesn’t count against you. I can tell you which places are easier for gay students. I want what’s best for you. If you tell me you want to go to France, tell me why. I may suggest Belgium to you. At least consider it. Belgium placements for our program are more urban with better public transportation, and less hours at school. If you’ve already graduated high school, you’d probably have more fun in Belgium.
Don’t choose Fesvokia because your friend loved it. Every exchange student thinks his country is the best. Do your own research. Think. Ask questions.
Filed under: Depression, Exchange Students, Inbounds Inbounds, Outbounds Outbounds | Tags: quit, Termination, withdrawal
I wrote about involuntary terminations a few days ago. There are a few different types of early returns. One is semi-voluntary, usually because of an illness or death in the family. (Most of our students have health insurance policies that permit a few weeks of compassionate leave to go home for a sudden illness, emergency, or death. Some students choose not to complete their year abroad.) That’s completely understandable, and not what I’m talking about.
A voluntary withdrawal from the program is a failure for everyone-student, family, hostfamily, and counselors. The worst part? Almost every student regrets quitting within 2 days of going home. If I know a student wants to go home, I’ll do everything possible to change his mind. I think it’s a huge failure that will stay with the student forever.
“Expensive Vacation Returns”-I’ve known of kids who wanted to come home as soon as the plane landed. One boy a few years ago said he knew he made a mistake halfway through his flight. Some students can tough it out for 3 or 4 weeks then quit. These are students that perhaps weren’t trained enough, didn’t have realistic expectations, or should’ve been weeded out before they left home. Sometimes parents can’t let go. Husband and I had a student once who had never been away from home before. He never even stayed overnight at Grandma’s house. He lasted two months until Daddy visited. We had an early return this year. I think Mom was a big factor. Let the student vent, but try to help her be strong. Most of these students have already graduated from high school. Generally if a 15 year old goes out, they have a reason to get out of the house.
Voluntary Returns-These are the tough ones. Some students miss their bf/gf, and spend their time online and Skype-ing instead of building a life in their new country. Most of the kids who give up just have bad luck. They have a crappy host family, school sucks, they live in the sticks, and their counselor doesn’t care about them. These are the kids who just can’t take it anymore. These kids are the ones who feel alone and hopeless. Our son P’s year was like this. We told him he was going to complete his year if it killed him. We dragged him through it. I wrote about his year. These are the kids I want to help. They can tough it out if someone cares enough to be a cheerleader for them. They need an adult to look for a different host family, to care if they try new activities, and to listen. The best advice is to make it day by day or until Christmas. Make a goal, and then another, and then another one. Generally, if a student can stay until January 1, they’ll stay the rest of the year. January first is a big hump day. Former exchange students who had tough years are great mentors. P has helped me help many students in the last seven years. Go hug an exchange student!
Filed under: Exchange Students, Inbounds Inbounds, Outbounds Outbounds | Tags: quit, Termination, withdrawal
Not all students complete their exchange year. Students return home for many reasons. I tell the kids if they can get through this year, they can do anything for the rest of their lives. Nothing will be too too tough. I think it is like five years compressed into one.
Involuntary-FES may be kicked out of the exchange program or country. The most common reasons for termination are marijuana possession, a spectacular drinking incident, or “inappropriate dating,” a gentle way of saying to the parent “Your snowflake was found nekkid with a friend or two.” 
I’ve never known a student to literally be deported; we’ll say ‘kicked out’ when FES gets into legal trouble, and promises to leave the country quietly and quickly in return for dropping charges. Students have also been evacuated from countries that are no longer safe-all students in Venezuela were pulled out several years ago mid-year.
I’ve told students they’ve been terminated. I’ve voted to terminate kids. I HATE IT. It’s the worst thing we do, and it affects me for a long time. Thank gawd it doesn’t happen often. I’m cognizant that it will impact the student for the rest of her life. In our program, we have a group of committee members vote, and if it’s not unanimous, FES doesn’t go. Typically, it’s the Chairman, Assistant Chairman, inbound student chairman, country chairman, and the student’s counselor who meet and vote.
I have lots of stories about creative disasters. Most of the memorable ones are unique, and I don’t want to identify the guilty. We’ve had American parents interfere so much their child has been asked to leave the program. Arrest, physically endangering someone else, and running away with a boyfriend are go-home offenses. I would suggest if a student is drinking underage that vodka and root beer in a Gatorade bottle isn’t a good idea. (blech) Gatorade doesn’t make brown. It may also be a good idea to clear your camera’s memory card before loaning it out, and password protect your laptop.
Advice for those students in potential termination situations-Don’t lie. Apologize, beg for mercy, but never lie. Husband and I have no sympathy for liars. Don’t be so arrogant as to think we won’t know the truth, or that you are the first student who got caught drinking, screwing, driving, or smoking weed. (Not to mention Husband was the baddest of the bad boys when he was young.) If someone who is trying to help you in a foreign country asks if you’ll test positive, and you say ‘no,’ you better not be knocked up or have THC in your system. I think most students who are sent home early are terminated for being stupid.
Voluntary go homes tomorrow.
Filed under: Exchange Students, hosting | Tags: Advice, Culture, FES, Horror, hosting, Husband, Silly, Termination
Some students are problems before they arrive. This is usually because of language and cultural differences. One boy was a late applicant, we accepted him anyway. He just made the deadline. (Students have 30 days after program’s orientation to be in the country.)
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The student’s nickname was ‘Ketchup.’ (Not really, but it was something equally insipid.) I told him that he might want to use a different nickname because the US kids would probably tease him. He .declined, telling me he loved his name. Two of our other students introduced themselves by saying ‘Hi, I’m Mustard, and he’s Relish.’ Ketchup didn’t see the humor.
My 2 students took an immediate dislike to Ketchup. They both said he wasn’t a nice boy. At his first meeting with all of our students, Ketchup showed up smoking. We found out later he was repeated told to stop smoking at school, too. He was rude to the girls, and kicked a boy to get his attention. The other students told me he didn’t belong in the program. I can’t terminate someone just because he’s an ass, he has to break a rule.
Ketchup’s hostparents left on a previously planned mini-vacation, and placed Ketchup with Hostdad’s godparents. They ‘had a feeling’ about him, and hid the car keys and valuables. Their neighbors watched the dog. Ketchup lied to the godparents, and said he had to go to the house to feed the dog.
Ketchup was arrested and spent the night in county jail. He was 18, so it was real jail, not juvie. Ketchup took his hostfather’s car to a football game Friday night because he didn’t want to walk in the rain. He blew through a stop sign on the way back home, and was pulled over. Ketchup was arrested and charged with car theft, no driver’s license, running a stop sign, no insurance, and no valid license plates. (Our exchange students are not permitted to drive, and he had no license in his country, either.) They couldn’t hold him at the police station, and couldn’t reach any contacts, so they transported him to the county jail.
Ketchup called his hostfather for his one phone call, Hostdad called me. He had no idea what to do. I called the jail and police station to ask about procedure. Husband and I lead a sheltered life; we never had to bail someone out before. I borrowed bail money from my father. We called other people above us in our program, and Ketchup’s counselor. NONE of them wanted anything to do with the situation. Husband and I went to jail. It took forever to navigate all the paperwork. The first thing Ketchup said was ‘Can I still go to Homecoming tonight?’ Not even ‘thank you!’ We took Ketchup to our house since no one else wanted him for the weekend.
We brought him home, and cleaned him up. We took him to a golf outing with us since we didn’t trust him home alone. His court case was Monday morning. By Monday afternoon, he was on the plane back home after being found guilty.
That’s when Husband and I came up with a new rule: If we have to bail you out of jail, you’re going home. No second chance.
Filed under: Culture, Exchange Program, Exchange Students, hosting | Tags: Advice, Counselor, Culture, Family, FES, Food, hosting, ID, Language, Termination
ES Advisor/Counselor The advisor is the student’s guardian in the US. The advisor will enroll the student in school, speak regularly with the guidance office, and monitor grades. The ES advisor is an experienced volunteer The advisor helps you and the student to become a family. Please talk with the ES advisor often, at least weekly for the first month that the student lives with your family. Discuss the student’s progress and behavior. Don’t wait for small problems to grow larger. The ES may honestly not know why you are unhappy with him/her. The only thing many students know about living in America comes from TV and the movies, or previous exchange students. Please judge each student as an individual.
Food/Cooking Don’t assume the student knows how to cook or can even make a sandwich. Show your student where the food is kept and how to work the microwave, stove, toaster, etc. Ask the student what they typically have for each meal. Many countries eat later than us; have lunch as the largest meal, eat lunch-type foods for breakfast, etc. Tell the student what foods he may eat, and which are being saved for a later meal. Respect cultural differences-some foods we eat are not eaten in the ES’s home country. The student may not know the “American’ name for some foods. A cookbook with plenty of photos is a big help in the beginning. So is a trip to a large grocery store, so the student can choose familiar foods. Many students are used to most meals being made from scratch with fresh ingredients. Many have never eaten in a car
Early Return The student will be sent home immediately for several reasons. The student is not permitted to use or be around drugs. If someone is using drugs where the ES is, the student is expected to leave immediately leave or call for a ride home. The exchange students are not permitted to drive. Ever. The students cannot ride in a vehicle with someone that has been drinking. (But don’t scare the student. We had a student stay with us who would not get in the car if my husband had a beer with dinner when we dined out, unless I drove.) The student can’t be at a party where there is underage drinking. The ES is supposed to leave or call for a ride. The student is representing our program, his /her country, and your family. The ES is not to embarrass any of us. The decision to send a student home is a very serious one.
Changing Families If you’re happy, and the student is happy, we are happy. We strongly recommend leaving a student in place if the student and family wish to stay together. Everyone should have a ‘back-up’ family, just in case of problems. If you want the student to move, or the student wants to move, it’s also fine. We understand the student is here for one year, and we all want it to be the best year possible. Most counselors try to remain fluid. If the student moves, the Counselor must report the new family’s address and phone number within 10 days to the program Chairman, along with the reason why the student has moved. We must send the information to the State Department. The new host family’s Criminal Records check must be completed before the student moves.
Contact with Authorities If a student has any contact with legal authorities, including truancy officers, police, and juvenile court officials, you must notify the Assistant Chairman and Inbound Chairman immediately. This includes citations, summonses, and arrests.
Language Most students say ‘to learn English’ when we ask why they chose to come to the USA. Please assist your student in that goal. Don’t permit them to watch native language TV. Try to keep native language phone calls and IM chats to a minimum. Please don’t speak to them in their native language; it’s not a kindness. Please require them to speak English after the first month at all times. When other students visit, please remind them to speak English. We can tell the difference between students who speak English all the time, and students who continue to speak their native language.
Natural Family We have no rules for students communicating with their family. (Other than the phone call saying I arrived, and I’m fine). Some ES’s will feel comfortable calling home twice a year; others will talk almost daily. Some students become less homesick when they talk to their family or friends, the opposite is also true. Talk with your student if you detect a problem. The student’s family may wish to visit. We strongly recommend they wait until after 1/1. The student should have a chance to adjust to living here, and become proficient in English.
Termination Students may be terminated for a violation of the “4-D’s” Drinking, Drugs, Driving, and (serious) Dating. Students using drugs will be immediately terminated. Students may be terminated for other reasons, such as shoplifting, running away, physical violence, and school disciplinary problems.
Identification and Passports Please assist your student in obtaining a state ID card. The Ids are less than ten dollars, and may be purchased at a any Driver’s License Bureau. The student will need their Passport, DS-2019, and I-901.They should use the state ID card for identification purposes, and leave the passport and papers in a SAFE location. The only reason students need the passport during the year is if they travel outside the US.
